I have just vented with someone I met more than month ago. Right now, we have established that we are more than just friends. His name is Marco, and I could describe him as a walking historical literature book. He's adept with Pre-Colonial Philippine History, and that's where I found interest in him.
It took us a bit more than a fortnight of talking until I considered a relationship with him. He says he fell in love with me first. Little did he know when I first slid into his DMs, I was already interested in him. He talks a lot about his interests: Pre-Colonial Philippines, the novel he's writing, the comics he's read, the TTRPGs he's played. He is the yapper type. I don't mind that at all. In fact: I enjoyed it. I feel like I made a good friend and partner. Honestly, I think he's a great partner, but somehow there's always something lacking in our relationship.
Not meaning to compare with my previous partner, but I feel like he centers himself a bit much to me. I think my future self will learn to love this part of him, but as I'm typing this, that's what I think of him.
Anyway, that's a bit of a life update I guess, but that's not what I'm here to talk about.
Hey there, dear readers. It's been a while. There ain't probably many of you—just a handful of you. Anyways, I made a lot of promises to deliver content in here, but I never did. I might never will and shit happens. That's what I'll be talking about.
I finished my Second Year of studying Computer Science less than 3 months ago. Hooray! For the summer vacation, I thought I had everything planned out. The first month, I'd be working on a sari-sari POS app to help my mom's canteen. I had a rough idea as to the technologies I'd be using. It would be written in Kotlin and the UI will follow the Material Design guidelines with Jetpack Compose. the local-area-hosted database will be in NocoDB with GraphQL for the querying. Not really experienced with working with databases, so I'm not sure about the NocoDB + GraphQL + LAN-hosting part.
As to the progress of this app... I only got to working with the wireframe and UI conventions. Never got to actual coding. It's already our 3rd month of summer vacation, and I only have less than a month of free time left. It's sad that I never will get to finishing this since I've picked up on a couple of responsibilities the past few days. I have been elected as VP Internal for our student body organization in our college, and we've been working with our schools in Cebu to establish an interschool organization. We're still drafting the constitution for it though.
Anyways, the second month of summer vacation was truly my regretful month. I only played games around that time. Nothing productive. Valorant. Marvel Rivals. Star Wars Battlefront 2. Clair Obscur: Expedition 33. I justified myself by thinking this should be the time I'm reserving for enjoyment since next summer vacation would not be a vacation anymore. Unfortunately, our summer term for our Third Year is going to be our OJT. Not enthusiastic about that.
The third month of the summer vacation is coming to a close now, and upon reflection, I could say I'm very disappointed in myself. The thing is, I always will be at this time of year. I always end up promising myself to be better but never deliver. It's an endless loop. Just an hour ago, I vented to Marco about a mini panic attack I just had a few minutes prior to us conversing. Usually, this panic attack is what drives me to action. Been like that since 8th Grade after a friend of mine committed suicide due to familial pressure and pressure to oneself. I can't describe this panic attack to be uncomfortable, but I don't like it at all. I wish this was never the phenomenon that precedes to my locking in. The loop usually flows as follows:
1. I promise myself to do X.
2. I fail to do X.
3. My body proceeds to go to a slight panic attack.
4. Normally, I would have suicidal thoughts. Nowadays, because of my late friend, I just force myself to lock in.
At least that's what it generally feels like. It's like the storm before the calm? Opposite to the phrase, the calm before the storm.
Anyways, that's all I had to share to y'all on this day. I've omitted a lot of details because I'm getting lazy and the sleepiness is getting to me. I'm just making this blog a piece about myself without regards as to who reads these and the context they might lack as they read these.
If you made it this far, thank you. If you are able to read this on or before the end of the month of this year, send me a message with a screenshot of this section of the blog post, and I'll reply to you with a gift. I love you. Thank you.
